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3:14am July 30, 2014
quadguyin-china:

salt-in-my-hair-and-heart:

liteskint:

gigaguess:

Oh.
My.
God.

B Y E

Am I allowed to tell this joke at parties??

She is so satisfied with that joke.

quadguyin-china:

salt-in-my-hair-and-heart:

liteskint:

gigaguess:

Oh.

My.

God.

B Y E

Am I allowed to tell this joke at parties??

She is so satisfied with that joke.

3:13am July 30, 2014
this  is  either  m a d n e s s  or  b r i l l i a n c e.  
it’s remarkable how often those two traits coincide.
3:12am July 30, 2014
3:11am July 30, 2014
3:10am July 30, 2014

revolvercity:

lesbeeanmovie:

greencarnations:

cinematicsymphony:

This is so accurate. At school, we literally have children who will watch our facial expressions to see if them falling is as bad as they think it might be.

CORRECT CHILD INJURY PROCEDURE:

  • do not react. at the most, maybe wince and go “ooooh”
  • go over to the child to assess panic level and severity of injury
  • if they’re like, dying, remain calm, but they’re probably not.
  • look them in the eye and ask, “you okay?” they will nod. possibly all teary-eyed. then ask, “are we gonna need to cut it off?”
  • the child is thrown off. if they giggle, you’re in the money. if they do not, put a bandaid on and do some sympathetic patting. they are probably a little teary. let the sad little bug sit out for a minute. they will quickly get bored.
  • works every time

"sad little bug" is the cutest and most accurate term ive heard used to describe a child because sometimes bugs are kinda super cute sometimes bugs are really  annoying and sometimes bugs are downright TERRIFYING

I’m a mom without a kid and my maternal instincts are: WAIT.

3:08am July 30, 2014
1:25am July 30, 2014

mishakoalins:

A default ring tone is heard. 100 moms look at their purses.

1:15am July 30, 2014

“Tell the truth or someone will tell it for you. - Stephanie Klein”

— TheDailyPositive.com (via thedailypozitive)
1:14am July 30, 2014

lunarobverse:

A brilliant metaphor

1:14am July 30, 2014
1:14am July 30, 2014

bravedad:

i wonder how many people i’m in the “i’d be down if you asked” zone with

1:13am July 30, 2014

dragon-in-a-fez:

sassykardashian:

IF YOU EVER GET IN A FIGHT WITH YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER JUST BREATHE IN THE HELIUM OUT OF A BALLOON AND HAVE AN ARGUMENT AND THE FIRST ONE TO LAUGH LOSES

you just put every marriage counsellor out of business

1:13am July 30, 2014
valvala:

im a man and i LOVE sitting on GIANT BALLSACKS

valvala:

im a man and i LOVE sitting on GIANT BALLSACKS

1:13am July 30, 2014

deaneggsandsam:

so i thought of a really good pick-up line the other day 

go up to the person you like

tell them your a palm reader, and bet them you can read into their future

when they stick out their hand, gasp and say “oh my god..your future..”

and when they ask “what? what’s wrong?”

intertwine your hand with theirs and say,

"it seems that your future……is with me" 

1:13am July 30, 2014
stop-hammerkind:

srsfunny:

Glass Blower: Sculpting A Horse From Molten Glass

WHAT

stop-hammerkind:

srsfunny:

Glass Blower: Sculpting A Horse From Molten Glass

WHAT